I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
