Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
