it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Randomize
