quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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