Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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