Small penises have feelings too.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
