also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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