It's Friday. Sex?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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