the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
