Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
