And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
