There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
