officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
