i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
