i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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