Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
