I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
