Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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