Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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