tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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