my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She told me I should be a condom model.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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