I think I died a long time ago.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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