Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize