I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
