I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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