he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
