I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Randomize
