On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
