I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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