Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
