I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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