Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
