im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I am midnight drunk by noon
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I understand Curling. That high.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
