you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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