keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
