Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
