I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
