Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
