I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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