I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
