Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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