True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
