Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
