lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
