I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
