Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Why is your signature on my underwear?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
