Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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