i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
