someone threw a dead crab at me
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
