i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
