Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He shit in the fireplace
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
