Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
