WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
