when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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