I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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