I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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