This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
