There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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