my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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