From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
