Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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